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Collections of the ‘Funny Quotes’

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
He who laughs last usually doesn’t get the joke anyway.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.